why i do these things...

Earlier I was talking to my friend.

And at the end of our conversation I wondered why we do the things we do, why I do the things I do. No matter how useless, no matter how stupid, no matter how totally self-destructive they sometimes are. I still do them.

In her case, she finds her situation perfectly fine so I let her be. But often times, in my case, I am NOT perfectly fine with some of my utterly annoying habits. I still overanalyze until it hurts, I still insist on doing things "my way" such as cramming, and staying up late at night, and downing way toooo much coffee. I know, it's unhealthy. But I do it still. Just like when people smoke even though they believe it's bad for them. Same thing.

So yeah, why DO I do the things I do, here are some of my hypotheses:

.I tend to think and analyze too much to the point that every minute detail is mercilessly dissected.It gives me a headache but I do it because it makes me feel I have control over things. It makes me feel that I understand the situation and the way things are. It makes me anticipate and prepare for what's to happen next.

.I am stubborn. It's not that it was a determined choice. It's the way I am because it makes me feel that I, again, have control. Maybe also because of this thing called Pride. Damn pride.

.I binge. I binge on food. I shop impulsively. And that's where I lack control. I do it because it is in these moments that I feel free and uninhibited. That I can let go for even just a bit.

.And lastly, why do I keep myself restricted to my comfort zone? Why do still insist on things that aren't meant for me, insisting on people who'll disappoint me? Why can't I let down my guard?Why can't I have more faith in me? And the answer to these questions continue to make my headache and ask why we have to be sooo complicated.Why do we have to make promises to others and to ourselves? Why is there always this spot of gray?

So here I am again, doing the things I do because maybe in doing them, I get to keep my sanity. Don't you think? hehehe...